Living with OCD

First and foremost, my username. You may be thinking “why did he name himself ‘ocdeeze'” or possibly (and hopefully) you’re laughing at the name, which is my goal. I gave myself this username because this disorder is something that has significantly impacted my life, mostly in a negative manner, and it will continue to be in my life, so I might as well get entertainment out of it and calling myself “ocdeeze” is just a way of saying “FRICK YOU” to the OCD and not taking it so seriously.

My OCD came on when I was very young, around 6 or 7. I probably had it before that but I don’t really remember much from before that time. It was pretty severe at that age, I remember having harm OCD and having these horrific intrusive thoughts of bad things happening to myself, my pets, and my loved ones. I had these thoughts at random but I also had these thoughts when it would come time to make a decision, as if the mundane and daily decisions I made impacted the lives of myself and all those around me. Stupid things like “if you wear the blue shirt you’ll have a great day but if you wear the red shirt you’ll probably get hit by a car.” Shits crazy, you know it, and I know it, but when you have OCD it seems and feels so so real, to the point you feel the need to go with the blue shirt “just in case.” After all, its probably not true, actually I know it isn’t true, but if the blue shirt means a good day and the red one doesn’t, why take that chance?

This was and still is my thought process when making a decision like this and I have to be very mindful and sharp mentally to realize that these thoughts are utter bullshit, but as a child, its nearly impossible to have that level of mental agility and clarity. As a little kid these thoughts were terrifying and led me to tears numerous times and as an adult they still make me angry and make me tear up or full blown cry sometimes, although not very often these days. Back then I thought something was wrong with me, or that I was destined to be some terrible person. I also had (and still do have) existential OCD and felt isolated and like the only human in existence (at the age of 7!!). This was the mid to late 90s and mental illness was still pretty stigmatized so no one realized what I had and life went on. Fortunately for me the severity subsided after some time, I don’t remember how long, and I was able to live a (mostly) normal life through grade school. I’m not saying life was easy for me, as I still dealt with OCD on a near daily basis, but it just wasn’t so severe that it caused me to have near panic attacks or cry. I could handle it better and in doing so, dismiss it from my mind more easily during this time. I ended up being somewhat popular in high school, played sports, had a lot of friends, the whole nine yards, but then the severity came back when I was 19 and nearing the end of my freshman year of college and I had no idea what I was in for. Over the course of the next several years (until now) my OCD gradually snowballed and just continued to get worse and worse. I went to see and talk with numerous doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists about what I was dealing with and after reading lots of material, talking to them, as well as taking certain tests for them, discovered what I was dealing with and what I had been dealing with since I was a kid was in fact OCD. Finally I felt I knew something!

I began taking prescribed SSRI’s. I tried a few different ones and tried different dosages on each one. Eventually I found a dose that worked for me, and while there is no cure for OCD, that medication helped to quell a lot of the anxiety and the “getting stuck on certain thoughts” part of the illness. I felt great for the first time in several years! But then I made the biggest mistake of my life, I took myself off of the SSRI because it had been several months and I felt better and knew the goal was to get better and not be medicated the rest of my life, so I went off the medication and within 3 months my OCD was back to its full blown state and no medication has helped me since, not even the dosage of the one that worked for me. During that time, because of immaturity and severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, I damaged friendships, ruined romantic relationships, pushed away my family, and just generally hated the fuck out of myself. Such good times. Naturally because of my bone headed decisions as well as the disorder, I fell into a massive depression for the next few years, during which I didn’t feel mentally capable of holding down a professional job (I still feel this way often) and just felt like I was pissing my life away. I wouldn’t say I hit rock bottom, but I was very close. If “rock bottom” is a layer of bedrock that you’re theoretically under when you hit rock bottom, I was on the top side of the bedrock, but still on the bedrock if that makes sense. Eventually I pushed myself to apply to professional jobs and I finally got one and worked there for a year and a half during which I pulled myself out of depression and out of debt, but I still dealt with and continue to deal with severe OCD daily. The only difference is I feel that I understand it a little better now, which is what led me to creating this blog and trying to help as many people as I can who have this fucked mental illness.

For someone with OCD, what is the most annoying part? For some, I’m sure its the constant intrusive thoughts about becoming infected with the next bubonic plague. For others its probably the idea that if they don’t touch a wall enough times or flip the light switch just the right amount of times, they or someone they care about will die or be hurt. And I admit, those things drive me batshit crazy as well, so if you have OCD and those things or something like them are the most annoying part, I don’t blame you at all. For me though, the most annoying part is the ignorance of those who do not have it and who have no idea what it is and so they in turn mislabel it. They believe OCD is what Hollywood and mainstream media tell them: fear of germs, having to have all your books in alphabetical order on the shelf, etc. I am not here to say that these are not obsessive-compulsive traits because they are, but thats just it, they’re traits. A lot of people have obsessive traits, but that doesn’t mean they have OCD. The “D” is the most important part of OCD. Its not a disorder unless these things cause you discomfort, panic, stress, and I’m talking serious levels of panic and stress, not “o shoot I didn’t put the book back where it should be thats gonna bug me. Darn!” While I can’t deny that that is an obsessive-compulsive trait, to me personally ( I am no psychiatrist so I admit I could be totally wrong. Shocker!) it is not OCD. OCD would be if that book being out of order on the shelf causes you massive levels of stress to the point you’re about to have a panic attack or can’t rest or focus on anything else until the book is “where it should be.” Or its a disorder if you think that that book being out of place is going to result in yourself or a loved one being injured or killed. Its just a book on a shelf! But to people with OCD, it is so much more than that.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is cast in an amusing light the majority of the time when it comes to the public and society. An episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” comes to mind as an example. In this episode, two of the main characters, Mac and Charlie, are trying to get their single mothers to live together at Charlie’s mom’s house because Mac’s mom burned her house down falling asleep with a lit cigarette. Their moms are polar opposites of each other, so Mac and Charlie spend the night there with them the first night to make sure it goes smoothly, basically a trial run. When it comes time to go to bed, Charlie’s mom goes through her house flipping the lights on and off three times each. And when Mac and Charlie ask what and why shes doing that her reply is: “So Charlie doesn’t die.” They then look at each other and both express how batshit crazy that is, and its honestly a funny scene, even to myself who suffers from severe OCD. But it encapsulates a portion of what the illness is like, which is doing ridiculous rituals to sate the appetite of the obsessive thoughts that seem to threaten everything in your life. You think “if I do this the right way, or the right number of times, everything and everyone will be fine.” Another example, and its a little more serious but its still a dark comedy type of movie is “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson. It has been a while since I’ve watched it but Jack’s character has to do things a certain number of times, like locking his door, putting on his shoes, etc, just like Charlie’s mom. He also can’t step on cracks and can’t use cutlery at restaurants if I remember correctly. These people are debilitated by this illness, and yet it is cast in a comical light by Hollywood.

As a result there are a limitless number of dumbasses in the world who think they have OCD, which is the last thing someone who actually does have it wants to hear when they FINALLY choose to open up to someone about it. I’ve heard it all, from bosses at work, to friends, to family members and everything in between.

“Aww well we’re all a little OCD.”

“I’m sooooo OCD oh my god, like if my clothes aren’t grouped by color in my closet it drives me crazy.”

If you have ocd, chances are you’ve heard one of these lines or an iteration of these lines before, and to me, theres nothing more insensitive, ignorant, and annoying than someone saying this to me after I just debated for weeks about whether I should open up about it. Saying this to someone with ocd just verifies their fears and immediately lessens and somewhat dismisses what they are trying to open up about. Now as established earlier, having to have things arranged properly and being clean and shit like that can be and are at times obsessive traits that most humans have I would imagine, but its not a disorder unless that stuff causes you panic and irrational levels of fear and anxiety, and causes you to fear for your own as well as your loved ones safety if you don’t do the correct ritual to negate the thought. So when people see something out of order and it bugs them, thats not OCD its just a natural human brain function of wanting things neat and orderly. So saying “I’m so ocd” because you like your room clean, when in reality its natural to want a clean room and it doesn’t impair your ability to function at all, it just bugs a little bit if its not clean, makes you look like an ignorant bastard and you have no idea how fucked this mental illness truly is. I sometimes wish I could telekinetically blast these people with a wave of OCD so that they had the illness for 24-48 hours just so they can see what its like, and then it goes away for them cause I would never wish this illness be permanent on anyone. But I guarantee they’ll never say they’re OCD to someone diagnosed with it again.

But o well, its just life, not everyone is going to understand what you’re going through just as you’re not going to understand what everyone else is going through. Theres always going to be ignorant bastards, I’ve been an ignorant bastard numerous times in my life and I’ll be one again, probably tomorrow, but its just life and all you or I can do is keep a level head and try to spread awareness of the disorder to people so that maybe and hopefully one day, we can find a cure and not be mocked for something we have because it isn’t tangible like a broken leg is.

Getting To Know OCDeeze

The Most Annoying Part of OCD